The doctors told me that Fridays would
be the worst. They hadn't said why, but this was my second one as a
free woman and I had to agree with them, but perhaps not for the same
reasons.
I attempted my usual routine; two black
coffees, six cigarettes and then a hot shower. I stood in the
bathroom wrapped in a fluffy white towel, but still managed to drip
water onto the marbled tile floor. I didn't care, I was in agony. The
piercing screams inside my mind had begun again; I fell to my knees
holding the sides of my head. I'd missed two doses of medication, now
he was back cursing at me and
telling me what to do.
Cathan. The demon that controlled my
life. Unless I had those little pink pills, my 20 mg. a day, he made
me do things. Criminal things. Things no one else knew about. Secret
things. Things I loved. Things I craved.
I couldn't lie to myself anymore, I
missed him... my demon.
Even though he became abusive when I
didn't listen, he had loved me when no one else had. So I didn't mind
doing small favors for him. It made a part of me deeply happy.
And all I'd done since I'd been locked
up and made to take pills was cry.
I'd lived most of my life with Cathan
screaming my name. I was pretty used to it, and even the painful
headaches that followed his outbursts comforted me in an odd way.
Cathan was normal. Swallowing pills every day wasn't. I was the only
one that understood that. But if I hadn't at least agreed to the
medication, my family had threatened to keep me locked up
indefinitely. Cathan was dying in that institution, and I knew that
even though the pills made him sick, he could survive it. We both
could. So I'd nodded my head and gotten released. I didn't want the
pills, but I didn't have any other alternative. Now I was pretty much
on my own again... well as much as I'd ever been on my own. Me and
Cathan. It was a love/hate relationship, but the only real one I'd
ever had. I knew Cathan and he knew me, inside and out. It was...
comfortable.
Now he whispered to me. I think it was
the only way he could be sure I was listening. I got really still and
rocked back and forth on the floor. The silence made me shiver. And
then his voice changed, it was soothing and warmed me all over, “None
of this will matter soon.”
Then he told me to get the pills. I
reached up and took the bottle from beside the sink. I knew he was
going to make me flush them down the toilet. I could do that.
“Join me,” he hissed in my head. He
said it over and over again. “Take all of them. Get rid of those
pills. You know it's what you want.”
He was laughing. Was it really what he
wanted? Was it what I wanted?
“No, I won't do it!” I screamed at
him. I threw the bottle of pills and it hit the wall sending a shower
of pink tablets down upon me. Then I saw myself picking them up; I
was in a frenzy as I ate them. But that wasn't enough for him. I felt
myself being dragged to my feet; then opening the medicine cabinet
and taking out the straight razor I had hidden there two years ago as
a reminder of how far I'd come.
I inhaled sharply as the silver blade
sunk into my wrist. I hadn't been prepared for the pain.
I screamed. Cathan was laughing inside
my head. He wouldn't be laughing soon.
“Stop. Please, dear god, stop this!”
I begged him.
But still I pushed the blade deeper. I
didn't know what I was doing, I had no control.
Now there would be no Cathan and no
pills. No new normal. There was only darkness consuming me, and then
there would be nothing.
It was in the back of my mind...
something evil... I could feel it overwhelming me. Then there was more laughter; sinister, twisted, sick laughter. I looked in the mirror, he
was standing behind me with his arms around me.
Cathan smiled wickedly; he was holding the
blade.
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